Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.10

We are really proud of our work this week. If we could, we'd put it on the refrigerator, but alas, you can't put a magnet on a computer. We learned this lesson many times before. But this week's issue features a different history lesson. Our time killer, well, it's a time killer. Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: linchpin (n) (alt. linchpin)
Meaning (n): one that serves to hold together a set of elements
Example usage: If we removed the linchpin in the process may fall into disarray.

Notes: When using linchpin, it is extremely important to be sure to properly enunciate all syllables. You may have said," I really wish we had a linchpin..." but it may be heard, by someone with ear wax, damaged tympanum, or ambient noise as "I really wish we had a lynchin'..." This is not elegant, not even in the south.

Word 2: drive (v); drive (n)
Meaning (v): to steer or provide direction for; to navigate
Meaning (n): direction or motivation
Example usage (v): The meeting would have been a wash, had Chad not been there to drive us to resolution.
Example usage (n): Drive sometimes makes some of us continue pressing on, even in the face of utter failure.

Notes: Drive is to the business world what patriotism is to politics. Never should your national loyalty be in question. Similarly, one's drive should never be called into doubt. Even suggesting someone "lack the drive" or "seem less driven" could be the death knell for one's career.

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"Elegant Moments In Slacking History -- 'I am currently otherwise engaged'"

In order to understand the future, one must certainly understand the past. ES has been commended as the paper of record for elegant slacking throughout the ages. In this semi-regular column, we honor those shining moments in elegant slacking history which impact our world today.

Just after the industrial revolution, many workers found themselves trapped in factories with "newfangled" "machines." Tirelessly they labored in front of their mechanical counterparts and would trudge home tired and weary. Slack, let alone elegance, was a scarce commodity.

Managers would demand more and more from their staffs. Historical transcripts from human resource exit interviews showed workers typically being let go for responding to managers with such colorful phrases as "No," "Go to hell," "Bollocks, do it yourself." And of course, there were those employees who were let go for simply refusing to any work.

Then one day, on the manufacturing floor of a small firm on the south side of town, middle manager George McCallum asked Samuel Arliston to sweep the floor. Arliston was alleged to be in conversation with fellow coworkers, entertaining them with a bawdy tale of his previous evening's forays. With a calm, polite, yet forceful voice, Arliston looked McCallum in the eye and said," I'm currently otherwise engaged."

McCallum simply nodded and asked someone else to perform the task. McCallum would later note that Arliston was an "assertive young gentleman" who's "demeanor was an asset to the company" and "should be considered for a job with a lower fatality rate."

And so today we can learn from the lessons of Samuel Arliston and see the wisdom in his cutting edge elegance in slacking.

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Timely Trivia"

Everyone likes to be an expert, or at least pretend to be one. With that in mind, an elegant slacker can derail otherwise productive conversations or create a buzz that will distract from work and other business place activities using trivia. The key to this time killer is to be sure to use timely and controversial trivia.

1. Browse the day's headlines, last night's television listings, the sports page or other contemporary data sources
2. Discover an angle of inquiry
3. When in the company of others, interject with "Hey did any one..." or "Can any one tell me..." or "What did you guys think of..." and relate it to the data item
4. If the answer is delivered too quickly, ask a clarification question such as "But what do your really think?" or "I am not sure I fully understand can you clarify your answer?"
5. Repeat as necessary, continuing with a slack connector like "Well, it sure got me...and so did [new data item]."
6. Return to step 3

Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.9

Hopefully this past week was filled with as much love and joy as we had here at ES. An our chocolate, champagne and rose petal hang-over wears off, we present our normal weekly columns. Vocabulary words elegant slackers should be using, and a time killer to help burn those minutes at work. Our feature this week we discuss N.K.O.T.B, the new kid on the block, and provide some insight on how to interact with the uninitiated. Happy Friday! Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: methodology (n)
Meaning (n): a particular procedure or set of principles
Example usage: Regardless of the outcome, as long as we have a strong methodology, we can consider the project a success. He who defines the methodology defines the elegance and the quality of slack.

Notes: Methodology is a word that can be compared to the idea of the yin and the yang. Externally, to people who aren't involved with the day to day operations, you will "have a strong methodology" or a "proven methodology." The yang, for the peers, your methodology will be in the process of revision or refinement. Studies are popular ways to find "best practices" to include in your methodology.

Word 2: champion (v); champion (n)
Meaning (v): to lead or support, usually a cause or effort, but not necessarily with any direct involvement or responsibility; to root for
Meaning (n): fan or supporter of a cause
Example usage (v): Without someone to champion our elegant methodologies, they will surely fail to be adopted.
Example usage (n): Win, lose or draw, our project's champion will find ways to report our efforts as a success.

Notes: While it is important to have a champion, an elegant slacker should only reluctantly take on the role of being a champion. There is no implicit responsibility other than to root for the initiative being championed, but the potential for failure exists which would be very un-ES-ly. Champion is sometimes used as a synonym for "scape-goat."

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"N.K.O.T.B."

New Kid on the Block. We all know someone who exhibits excellent elegance or the spark of amazing slacker capabilities. We see younger versions of ourselves in these neophytes and our instinct might be to reach out and help them along the path of ES-ing.

Like esoteric traditions of the middle ages, the brotherhood of elegant slacking is a path that people are drawn to, not shown. The process can take years or days, no two elegant slackers arrive at the full embodiment of their ES potential in the same way. In all cases, the mind must be prepared to receive the message of elegant slacking. Early slackers were very excited about their new found freedom and went into the world to spread their message. Carnage on the order and style of plague-like pandemics ravaged communities world wide.

The lesson history teaches us is that it is neither the responsibility or duty of elegant slackers to initiate and guide the novice, would-be elegant slackers. Economic theory of supply and demand are the simplest means for arguing why helping bring more elegant slackers into the fold is counter to the very tenets of being an elegant slacker.

Bringing more elegant slackers into the world, reduces the demand for these highly important positions. The competition for the few positions that exist will also increase. If one needs to actually work on being elegant and struggle to find slack, the entire system could potentially collapse under the weight of its own "success."

The elegant slacker should be like a lone wolf. They should guard their territory and if challenged, should yield to the stronger wolf and seek new pastures. So next time you see the bright eyes of a budding elegant slacker, try to squash their slacking ambitions by any means necessary lest you find a new place to work your elegant slacker ways.

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Choose Your Own Time Killer"

We at Elegant Slacker have fond memories of a childhood book series called Choose Your Own Adventure. The books allowed the reader to choose the direction the story follows at "critical" plot junctures. In the spirit of our lost innocence, we present the "Choose Your Own Time Killer" time killer.

1. Contemplate, thoughtfully, how you would kill time.
2. Develop a business plan for executing your vision.
3. Execute plan from step 2.
4. Repeat steps 1-4 as necessary.

Notes: The elegance of this time killer is its simplicity. In and of itself, it represents a lot of the philosophies presented in the pages of Elegant Slacker. We have complete and utter faith in your abilities to find a satisfying kill of your time. Chest out, chin up...now you're slacking with elegance!

Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.8

The world of Elegant Slackers have a new challenge to face. In this week's feature, we present a special report only ES magazine had the nerve to put to press, shedding light on a less desirable attribute of our elegant world. To offset the gravity of our report, the vocabulary enhancers and time killer are in their normal positions, so it's not all bad news this week! Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: baseline (n); baseline (v)
Meaning (n): normalization, standardization or basis, usually for later measurement
Meaning (v): to generate a normalization, standardization or basis, usually for later measurement
Example usage (n): We will be creating a baseline from which the project will continue to grow. Without a baseline, how will we know where we stand?
Example usage (v): After weeks of baselining, we are still working out the details of our position. Free baselining will not be tolerated, it needs to be a controlled activity with consensus throughout.

Notes: Even if no measurements are going to be made, any undertaking needs a baseline. What form it takes, how it is reported and the elements it is comprised of are entirely arbitrary. The key is to simply have one.

Word 2: decompose (v); decomposition (n)
Meaning (v): to break down or separate of a whole into its essential elements
Meaning (n): a breakdown or separation of a whole into its essential elements
Example usage (v): While I superficially understand your stated position of "no," I think we should decompose your response in order to better understand your intentions.
Example usage (n): This material isn't quite finished yet - I need to take it through another level of decomposition.

Notes: This ES word gives the impression that the material has the "goodness" in it, but it needs to be extracted. Are you the one to do it?? If so, be sure that you are always "decomposing" and in the act of "working on the decomposition." An elegant slacker's work is never done.

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
Special Report "What Are Your Shoes Saying?"

Look down...what do you see? Can you hear them? No, we aren't talking about the burritos you ate for lunch, we're referring to your shoes. Studies have shown that over 40% of proclaimed ES-ers have not bought a new pair of shoes in over 2 years. This appalling trend in the ES world only seems to be getting worse as the appeal of ES-ing grows.

Footwear is one of the most important outward signs of professionalism and elegance. Your shoes are the one item of clothing that is visible in all areas of your work place. While seated, standing, walking, and even in the restroom, your shoes are telling people about you, where you've been, your style, your work ethic and so on. Sandy shoes are a telltale sign of beach going. Water logged kicks say to the world," Hey everybody, I like to dip my shoes in liquid!" Beyond the day to day maintenance required to keep these messages under wraps, the shoe itself can speak volumes about you which ultimately impacts your ES status.

Tassel Loafer

The tassel loafer is the classic in elegance. Typically featured in brown, burgundy or black, the tassel loafer speaks volumes towards the wearer's elegance. As you stride, the tassels "tap-tap" the tops of the highly polished, scuff free leather uppers. That sounds echoes through the annals of history and says to all within earshot," I'm here, I'm elegant." And to your trained ES ears, you also hear the soft, sweet and smug follow on of," Let's slack."

Classic Pump

Unlike the tassel loafer, which can be a unisex shoe of elegance, the classic pump is strictly for female elegant slackers. The audible clicking accompanying each step announces your arrival. The lift provided by the heel, increases your height and may also have positive effects on other physical elements (e.g. calf, thighs, buttocks). Enhancing the Beauty Index is always a step towards increasing elegance. Color choices should be appropriately made so as to match wardrobe and accessory choices, as well as an awareness of seasonal norms. Additionally, ES research indicates that one should always think twice about the white pumps. The pump is a double edged sword that can have deleterious effects on your elegance if donned uncouthly.

Sneakers

The sneaker can be a bane to your elegance. Casual Fridays are not something the Elegant Slacker can afford to indulge in lavishly. Sneakers should be avoided if at all possible, however, occasions might arise, for instance long distance traveling, or corporate "bonding" trips to public venues like baseball stadiums, which necessitate trainers. If the event calls for these rubber rascals, select something that is solidly white or black and leather. Canvas, brushed suede, rhinestones and other funky colors might make your feet tingle in the off hours, but during business hours, they may draw attention to you and your feet, ultimately inhibiting your ES-ing.

Flip-Flops

Also called sandals, these open toed shoes are complete elegance killers. There is no circumstance this report can see which would justify wearing these atrocious foot adornments. With or without socks, the flip-flop is a no-no. It is important, however, to refrain from commenting on other people's choice for wearing such shoes. In today's "anything goes" workplace, those mentally instable enough to appear with flip-flops, are often part of the group which has earned what we've dubbed "eccentrically smart immunity." These are the people who are sooo smart (or give the appearance of being so), they can get away with being fashion grease fires, exhibiting irreverence for social norms (e.g. flatulence, suspender wearing) and many other antics that are antithetical to all things an ES stands for. Beware.

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Book Hunter"

Books are power. The knowledge and information contained in all the pages ever written is bountiful. Learning how to harness all this power is the job of an Elegant Slacker, or at least how to discuss, in theory, how that power might be used. If your workplace is anything like ours, it's probably chock full of books you've never read and probably never will. Today, we present a time killer that unleashes the latent slack in those piles of pages to help you kill some time. We call it the "Book Hunter."

1. Determine a leading author or book title for your field. Amazon.com can be a great reference for this preliminary work
2. Begin asking about this book with your co-workers. "Have you read it?" "What did you think?" being sure to lead up to "Do you have a copy?"
3. If a co-worker does not have the book ask if they know someone who might. Follow this lead.
4. Repeat steps 2 & 3 until book is found or all co-workers questioned.

Notes: The more randomly selected your first point of inquiry is, the less likely you are to find the title you "seek." With this in mind, be sure to select a low probability owner (LPO). These people will typically: 1) be impressed with your initiative to be reading; 2) revere you as a smart person; 3) point you in a less likely direction for finding the book. A second note on this time killer. If you eventually discover a copy of the work, after having the book take up space on your desk long enough to talk about it with your supervisor and a few other co-workers, if the owner did not emblazon their name on the book, begin the "Reverse Book Hunter" where you attempt to hunt the owner of the book down to return it. Again, you will have the opportunity to discuss "this great book you just read," exude the appearance of collegiality, and be recognized as a person who returns things borrowed.

Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.7

Elegant Slacker Magazine...keep on keepin' on! Our research center has been delving into the details of the key value for calculating Earned Slack Value, the Coefficient of Elegance, and come up with some remarkable findings, which we present to you in this issue. Our weekly vocabulary enhancers make their appearance and a new time killer to help pass your days and nights will surely stimulate even the least elegant slacker. Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: ontology (noun); ontological (adjective); ontologically (adverb)
Meaning: [we have no clue what this word means and highly doubt anyone else does either, ed.]
Example usage (n): We need to come up with a new ontology for our business. I am going to take the ontology out for a walk. My ontology will be more effective after lunch. Stop being such an ontology.
Example usage (adj): The ontological implications of what you suggest are mammoth. Stop being so ontological.
Example usage (adv): Speaking ontologically, the sales figures from last quarter weren't that bad.

Notes: Just use this word. No one will have the audacity to ask you what it means, but no one will actually be able to give you a firm definition of what it means. If challenged, simply bounce the question back at any foes, "Well, of course it depends on how you define it. How would you define it?"

Word 2: kickoff (noun); kickoff (verb)
Meaning (n): the beginning, start or initial encounter
Meaning (v): to begin, start or initially encounter
Example usage (n): The kickoff was a great source of enthusiasm for the team as we embark on our new endeavors.
Example usage (v): We will kickoff the new project with little fanfare and many sweaty brows.

Notes: "Kickoff," in its noun form, typically refers to some sort of gathering. It is possible to have a kickoff without ever actually having a gathering. Simply passing coworkers and greeting them can be construed as a kickoff [to work]. Kickoffs also can be used to mark even the smallest beginnings, even a simple kickoff to your day is appropriate and, when coupled with meetings and such, can lead to much time killed in a ES-friendly fashion.

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"Adjusted Coefficient of Elegance"

Several weeks ago, Elegant Slacker Laborites Inc presented in this publication, a calculator for determining one's Earned Slack Value. Since then, our mail bags have been filled with inquiries on the value and importance of the Coefficient of Elegance. Our research facilities have taken your comments, criticisms, and crumpets and drilled down into some details on this mysterious multiplier.

The History
The Coefficient of Elegance was first conceived by Sir Fredriecht Nottendoer around the turn of the century. He identified the coefficient while attempting to quantify his role as a knighted individual and why he was neither asked nor compelled to perform any noble works typically associated with his royally anointed brethren. Since then, the coefficient has been used around the world by elegant slack researchers to indicate a relative elegance, and most recently in the calculation of Earned Slack Value.

The Dilemma
For many years, the coefficient's importance has been disputed in the ES world. The problem was first formally presented in another of Nottendoer's studies. Nottendoer was the proud father of 2 children, Greta and Gregor, whom he tried to groom in his elegant slacking ways. Both were elegant slackers, but for some reason, one was much more beautiful than the other and this seemed to affect their ability to slack elegantly. Both had equally high coefficients of elegance, but the siblings did not seem to be equal.

Greta Nottendoer	Gregor Nottendoer

A Solution?
To this day there has not been nor will there be a resolution to this dilemma which resurfaces time and again throughout history. In spite of the seeming futility of continuing to solve this puzzle, our researchers have to continue to march towards a possible solution or at least to document paths that do not work. Below is a table which was published in last month's Quarterly Quasi-Review of Partially Complete Research in Slack and Elegance presenting a new Adjusted Coefficient of Elegance which takes into account a beauty index.

When applying the adjusted coefficient of elegance to the original equation (see below) used by Nottendoer, we see that Greta, who was slightly more attractive than Gregor, was actually a better elegant slacker due to her beauty.

The Future
We encourage all elegant slackers to take heed of our ground breaking work and perhaps one day it will create a significant ripple in the world of elegant slacking. For now, we hope to simply present the issues to allow others to iterate on the problem and perhaps develop ontologies that will assist future generations and help them understand the complex relationship between beauty and elegant slacking.

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Start an Online Newsletter"

In today's information age, it is important to stay abreast of all the latest happenings in your chosen field. It is also important to communicate this knowledge with other co-workers and superiors. With this in mind, ES presents the "Start an Online Newsletter" time killer. You might think that you have nothing interesting to say, but in actuality, you don't need to say anything in your blog. Some of the most popular weblogs are simply compendiums of interesting things the author found on someone else's site. Simply cite, link and enjoy your new expert status label.

1. Open an account with any one of the free Internet blogging services
2. Choose a clever, yet elegant name for your blog. (e.g. "Active Accountants" or "Weekly [your topic here] Review") 3. Select a sedate, professional template for your blog. (example)
4. Spend as much time as needed to find interesting, provocative web sites that contain the office's buzz words of the moment
5. Post each "hit" as its own entry. Be sure to adjust the date of posting to reflect a posting time after normal working hours or weekend hours. This initiative taking will be viewed positively in certain circles.
6. Don't post all in one day, reserve your material for when times are tough, slow or you are just too in your slack zone to look for new material.
7. Email link to your co-workers, boss, etc. to garner recognition for your efforts.