Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.6

Welcome to yet another installment of Elegant Slacker Magazine. We worked hard on this week's feature, the Elegant Stickers, so we're not up for much of an introduction. We'll let our work stand for itself. Keeping it simple...Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: dovetail (verb)
Meaning (v): to fit together, easily
Example usage (v): A low stress, low responsibility profession dovetails nicely with the goals and ambitions of an elegant slacker.

Notes: "Dovetail" is a real feel good word. For some reason, people love things that dovetail. Typically things will dovetail nicely or smoothly. Rarely should dovetailing be done in the negative. However, there can be question as to whether items will dovetail which should be iterated on and drilled into. (see previous issues for usage notes on iterate and drilldown, ed.)

Word 2: stakeholder (noun)
Meaning (n): person of significance or importance; key player; one who has a interest or share in a situation
Example usage (n): The project has several stakeholders who will all be impacted by the outcome of this group's decision.

Notes: "Stakeholder" should not be confused with its homophonic sister phrase "steak holder." There is rarely meat connotations used in conjunction with the elegant form of stakeholder. An elegant slacker should strive to never be a stakeholder, but rather always be in the process of determining who the stakeholders are, or conferring with the stakeholders to understand their positions.

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"Elegant Stickers"

We all need encouragement as elegant slackers. Raising elegant slacker children is almost as hard as those new-fangled sudoku puzzles. To help our ES parents, we feature this week a series of printable stickers to help motivate the young and elegant. These also serve as elegant and simple reminders to the experienced ES to keep on "getting it done."

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Smoking"

Not including the time off due to smoking related illnesses, smoking can be a great way to slack, albeit slightly less elegantly. The camaraderie built around the smoking urn is an unbreakable bond that transcends organizational charts and salary grades. The connection forged between custodians and CEOs are immediate and lasting when formed under the fire of the cigarette/cigarillo tip.

1. Purchase pack of cigarettes or cigarillos. Select a pack in the mid to upper price range to indicate a discerning, but not bourgeois, smoking habit.
2. Excuse yourself at any moment from any engagement
3. Walk to the designated smoking area, with deliberate but measured pace
4. Upon arrival at area, cordially greet any fellow smokers or non smokers in the area
5. Place tobacco product in your lips
6. Strike match or lighter
7. Ignite tip of tobacco product
8. Drag slowly savoring each elegant moment
9. Nod, laugh and otherwise blend in with any discussion going on. Do not offer any personal information/details/opinion/etc. Simply nod and laugh. Think elegantly.
10. Repeat steps 8-9 as long as tobacco product is still viable
11. On returning to workplace, stop in restrooms, wash as thoroughly as possible. If possible, a toothbrushing is also recommended.
12. Repeat steps 2-11 at most, once per hour worked.

Time killed: 15 minutes per break (possibly 2 hours per work day!)

Notes: The most difficult part about this time killer is avoiding disdain from non smokers. For this reason, it is favorable to make your way to and from the designated smoking areas with caution and stealth.

Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.5

Welcome to yet another installment of Elegant Slacker Magazine. This week, in addition to our weekly vocabulary enhancers, we delve into the world of Ethical Challengers to Elegant Slacking. This piece speaks from the heart of elegant slackers, reaching out to the new ES or old ES facing difficulties in the elegant slacking. Our weekly time killer takes a turn for the technical as we present the Virus Killer. But let's start the way we always do...Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: impact (noun or verb)
Meaning (n): the power to affect or have an immediate impression
Meaning (v): to affect or immediately create a strong impression
Example usage (n): The impact of our whitepaper on widgets will be felt by all players in the industry.
Example usage (v): Mandatory status meetings have negatively impacted our available time for slacking.

Notes: "Impact" is an impact word. It conveys strength and importance. Conversely it can be used to weaken a position or stall progress as the "impact" of a certain decision needs to be studied. When coupled with "negatively," "impact" has a kryptonite-like effect to chill any good idea (see example usage above).

Word 2: iterate (verb); iteration (noun)
Meaning (v): to continue; to study, slack, work, sleep, build, and do just about anything else in a repetitive manner
Meaning (n): one cycle of studying, slacking, working, sleeping, building or anything -ing
Example usage (v): After the meeting, my team will iterate over the possible solutions.
Example usage (n): One iteration will not be enough to determine the impact, positive or negative, of your proposal.

Notes: "Iterate" is often compared to celery. Both are considered perfect representatives of their respective domains. "Iterate" can be used to refer to any unit of activity, in any realm, at any time and sound perfectly appropriate. An important note on usage is the power of "iterate" is generated from its inherent quality of being cyclical. These cycles should remain unnumbered, infinitely spiraling, onward ever onward.

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"Deflecting Ethical Challengers to Elegant Slacking"
or "Dealing with Guilt"

In the beginning, the erudite elegant slacker may face many ethical dilemmas surrounding their chosen course of action. Elementary and primary schooling may have instilled a sense of ambition and achievement which can only be manifested through hard work. Such are the lies we tell our children.

Unlearning these falsehoods on how to be successful can be a painful process. Each morning as the elegant slacker looks his or herself in the eye they may be confronted by the voice of their high school sports coach demanding "just a little bit more" or a particularly idealistic teaching pleading "to try harder next time." These thoughts are pure counter-elegance. Studies have shown that pondering these ideas, for even one second, can lower a person's elegance coefficient by 20 - 30 percent.

To reverse these negatively reinforced lessons, the ES should first fight the urge to go the extra mile. Walking just a few feet, even moving just an inch, in any direction, is progress and no matter how small it is. We must remember what we've learned throughout history about size. David was much smaller than Goliath and yet David's mark on the world was significant. The most powerful of drugs can have fantastic effects in quantities too small for you or I to see. And the pinky toe, despite it's relative size, is thought to be the key to the human body.

Some may point fingers at the person who takes such "slow" and "directionless" attitude towards progress. But haste makes waste. The elegant slacker must have 100% confidence in their decisions and this confidence only comes through a thorough investigation of all possible avenues. After all, the elegant slacker is a cog in the wheel of society and putting stakes in the ground is not their role. The ES is a consigliore, a bed fellow if you will, the eloquent voice of reason against the crashing tides of pseudo-progress.

Not everyone can play this vital role, and not everyone can do it with elegance. For these reasons, sometimes, it is best to allow ethical challengers to answer their own questions about "What are you doing?" or "Do you have a clue?" Do they? What authority do these challengers have to call into question your ways. Are they any different than the ultra-motivated person or the plain vanilla slackers?

All these groups may exist in a single environment, but the key to deflection is elegance. To stand in the face of any and all challengers with a cultured, calm, and collected demeanor will differentiate the ES from the chaff. Pride can often mar our vision. The elegant slacker is inwardly proud but outwardly accommodating and deferential. Human beings inherently dislike conflict and drama the Elegant Slacker exudes a pace and calm that offers shelter like a harbor against the stormy seas. Be that harbor your biological impulses desire and deflect all that attempts to rob you of your rights and strip you of your responsibilities as a truly elegant slacker.

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Virus Killer"

In today's high tech world, many elegant slackers find themselves at a computer terminal for a majority of their day. This time killer can help you appear concerned with the security of your company's intranet while freeing up those precious slacking moments. Here's how...

1. If you are using Windows, open Internet Explorer, otherwise, skip to step 7
2. Select menu option tools then Windows Update
3. Take your time and carefully consider any updates that might be needed to keep your computer safe!
4. Print out install instructions and any other license agreements, how to's, etc.
5. Continue to install updates, one at a time to be sure they don't cause any harm to your system
6. Repeat steps 1-4 as necessary
7. Your computer should have anti-virus software installed, open it
8. Select the option which allows you to scan your computer manually
9. Start a custom scan starting at your root directory (usually c:\)
10. Appear concerned as the scan continues
11. If questioned what you are doing, reply "My computer's been acting funny. I'm running a scan just to be safe."
12. Repeat steps 7-10 as necessary

Notes: If you somehow manage to mangle the configuration on your computer, you will have achieved some extra slack time as you now require expert assistance to get your deck back and running. While it is not elegant to purposely damage your computer, inadvertent misconfiguration as a result of trying to do the right thing is allowed. Your print outs of the instructions and other documentation will serve as evidence that you tried to do the right thing.

Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.4

Welcome to the fourth installment of Elegant Slacker Magazine. The response continues to amaze us and we are grateful for all the positive mail we've been getting. One fan writes:

"Thank you for making it okay to be an elegant slacker. For years I sat and did a thankless job, with more grace and style than anyone, and my deeds were never rewarded or reprimanded. You have shown me that my seemingly obscure existence is actually a vital part of today's society. Thank you Elegant Slacker! Keep 'em coming."

Thank you kind sir, thank you! This week, in addition to our weekly vocabulary enhancers, we'll sit down with Mann Lockererer who provided exclusive insights found in no other publication. Not to be outdone by the geniuses over at Google, Elegant Slacker Laboratories Inc, brings us their first, of what will hopefully be many, internet application. Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: synergy (noun); synergetic (adjective)
Meaning (n): the interaction of two or more agents or forces so that their combined effect is greater than the sum of their individual effects; cooperative interaction among groups, especially among the acquired subsidiaries or merged parts of a corporation, that creates an enhanced combined effect
Meaning (adj): having the properties of a synergy
Example usage (n): Your money plus my elegance are a natural synergy for success.
Example usage (adj): A synergetic relationship exists between elegance and slack that cannot be expressed using mathematical means.

Notes: When referencing any synergy, it is important to be a part of at least one element of the synergetic elements. A synergy can also be something that is in process, for example "exploring synergies."

Word 2: concur (verb); concurrence (noun)
Meaning (v): to agree or be of the same opinion
Meaning (n): an agreement in opinion; cooperation
Example usage (v): Yes Boss, I completely concur with your assessment of the situation.
Example usage (n): We shouldn't start work until we have concurrence on the details of the plan.

Notes: When using the verb form, be sure to align yourself with the popular or least work intensive position. You may not concur with yourself. Concurrence is something that is being worked on, tried for, or arriving at, but never solidly achieved.

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"Interview with an Elegant Slacker"

This week Elegant Slacker sits down for an interview with renowned Elegant Slacker Mann Lockererer. Best known for his continuing work on slacking in the abstract, Mann talks about life, love and being elegant in this explosive face to face conversation!

Elegant Slacker:
	If one wants to become an ES should s/he try to find an ES boss?
Mann Lockererer:
	A colleague and I were discussing this very question yesterday. The Elegant Slacker is sort of a lone wolf. So, I am not sure it matters what kind of boss s/he has.
Elegant Slacker:
	I ask because it seems to me that a lot of the Elegant Slackers that I encounter here at work appear to go "unchecked" by their boss for long periods of time. Case in point: one fellow on the team was told to "study our competitor's product." For three months (seriously!) he never left his office. Finally we were all in a meeting and the topic of what the competitor's product does came up and we looked at him and he just said "I don't know" and never skipped a beat or felt at all exposed. His boss, too, didn't feel like anything wrong had just occurred.
Mann Lockererer:
	Probably an example of the 3rd point from last week's (v.3) issue. The elegant slacker has a feeling of higher power/authority, no need to answer to anyone.
Elegant Slacker:
	Interesting...Changing topics, if an elegant slacker does work, and no one sees it, is the work really done?
Mann Lockererer:
	Unfortunately the work is completed. Like the hands of time, work cannot be undone. Those precious minutes spent toiling are forever lost, never to know the bliss of slackdom. There is a finality to "done work" that implies an ending. "End" is such a negative word. Elegant Slackers should always be "starting," "getting on top of," "drilling down into," etc. All of these do not require any end product whereas to claim completed work is to have tangible evidence of what you've done, good bad or indifferent.
Elegant Slacker:
	Whoa, that's deep. Should an elegant slacker keep a neat desk or a messy desk?
Mann Lockererer:
	Neat desk or messy desk? Hmm...(pauses) I haven't been able to fully realize the virtues of either yet. I am working on a white paper which will drill down into the pros and cons of each. I'll do a very un-slackerish thing here and give you an off the cuff answer of it depends. If you have a desk that is purposefully and elegantly cluttered, it can give the impression of a person who is very busy. However, a clean organized desk leaves no remarkable items which may draw unwanted attention. I'll have to think about that more.
Elegant Slacker:
	Does being a "yes man" include similar concepts as being an ES? People with opposing viewpoints tend to get challenged, questioned, tasked, etc. By being a "yes man" it seems as though you should be able to elegantly slack your way to the top?
Mann Lockererer:
	I am not sure I see the situation in the same light. I think there is very little elegance in being a "yes man."
Elegant Slacker:
	What if being a "yes man" is all just a ploy? Your Elegant Slacker strategy...
Mann Lockererer:
	Perhaps you can use that as a quasi-ES strategy, but I don't think it adheres to the core principles of elegant slacking. As I see it, to be a "yes man" means you have to have a high profile...I am not sure an Elegant Slacker would even want to be in a position to agree to do anything. The essence of an Elegant Slacker is to make the most of what you don't do.
Elegant Slacker:
	Just when I think I get it I get run over by the elegant bus! The amount of information I am trying to gather is too extreme!
Mann Lockererer:
	You're close! Don't stress about it, slacking is a frame of mind.
Elegant Slacker:
	I hear you are working on a new book "The Sounds of the Elegant Slacker?" Can you talk a little bit about what new slacker ground you'll be covering?
Mann Lockererer:
	(laughs) How did you hear about that? Yeah, we are working on some new theories about slacking and the elegance associated therewith. You know, the workplace has a cornucopia of sounds that can be used for elegant slacking. Take the simple act of typing, for instance...
Elegant Slacker:
	...Typing implies productivity...
Mann Lockererer:
	Right! So the louder and more furiously you can type, which is essentially making sounds
Elegant Slacker:
	People will assume you are working!
Mann Lockererer:
	Exactly! We've got our people clarifying the finer points and we'll be working out the details for a release later this year or next.
Elegant Slacker:
	You can be sure we are looking forward to that! Thank you very much Mr. Lockererer for your time, we'll let you get back to what ever it is you pretend to do. We'll be pondering the exceptional embers of elegant enlightenment you've provided today for a time to come. Thanks for stopping by!
Mann Lockererer:
	Thank you, Elegant Slacker!

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Earned Slack Value Calculator"

Elegant Slacker Laboratories Inc presents their first functional calculator. This useful gadget will help you calculate your Earned Slack Value. If you're pondering a promotion, use this to figure out how you might need to adjust to keep your slacking steady. Find out how just a few extra minutes of slack a day can impact your overall value. Discover the importance of elegance as you improve your coefficient of elegance, see how your value can sky-rocket.

How to use:

1. Select your approximate Organizational Position
2. Enter your average hours of slack per day
3. Enter your Coefficient of Elegance which is a decimal number between 0 and 1. 0 means you have no elegance, 1 means you are quintessentially elegant.
4. Click Calculate ESV
5. Read your Earned Slack Value

Organizational Position	New Hire - No experience New Hire - Some experience Junior Level Senior Level Mangerial Level C Level Supreme Commander
Average Slack	hours/day
Coefficient of Elegance
Earned Slack Value

Elegant Slacker Newsletter v.3

Welcome to 2006! We, at Elegant Slacker, hope it will be as slack-filled, but not any more than necessary, as 2005. Celebrating and promoting the best in mediocrity is our job here at Elegant Slacker and we thought you might think about some resolutions for the new year. This issue we'll give you some hints on small changes you can make to improve your elegance and your slacking. Sit back, relax and enjoy the slack.

Elegant Slacker Vocabulary Words for the Week

Word 1: drill-down (noun or verb)
Meaning (noun): long hard deep look; analysis
Meaning (verb): to examine in depth; to take a long hard deep look at something
Example usage (noun): After the meeting I will perform a drill-down on the final analysis Jim has provided.
Example usage (verb): We will need to drill-down into the details in order to determine if indeed you have been elegantly slacking.

Notes: As with many tasks the elegant slacker attempts, a drill-down should never come to completion. You may need to "drill deeper," "pause drilling," or perhaps "come to the surface and analyze the results of the drilling." Whatever your reason, "drill-down" and "complete" are like oil and water, never shall the two be mixed!

Word 2: clarify (verb) [clarity or clarification (noun)]
Meaning (verb): to restate or refine a point to enhance comprehensibility
Meaning (noun): a restatement or refined position on a point to enhance comprehensibility
Example usage (verb): Can you please clarify what the minimum success criteria for the task are?
Example usage (noun): Without clarification from the customer, I will be unable to proceed with my assigned task. Clarity can only be obtained through obsessive and successive drill-downs into the subject matter.

Notes: Clarity has been ranked by Elegant Slacker readers as one of the top defensive words for several years running. Asking for clarification on even the simplest assignments can lead to days if not weeks of slack, deferring those nasty time and attention consuming tasks. From a reader in Boise: "I simply asked my manager to clarify what he meant when he wanted the task 'finished' by Friday. Six weeks later, I'm still slacking away!"

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Elegant Slacker Feature of the Week
"Defining the Elegant Slacker"

So what distinguishes the Elegant Slacker from an ordinary slacker? There is an important distinction that must be well understood. Below are some of the key characteristics that distinguish an Elegant Slacker from the ordinary:

1. Full employment: The term slacker is often associated with someone who is not motivated enough to find a job. An Elegant Slacker must be on the payroll, since the office workplace is the ideal environment in which to make the most of the work you don't do. Actually getting a job may take some effort - something contrary to Elegant Slacker principles. However, the interview process is an excellent forum for refining Elegant Slacker skills. (See the Newsletter, v.2 for some excellent vocabulary tips). Don't be discouraged during your employment search, however. Once you land that job, the slacking can begin in earnest.
2. No feedback: The disproportionate use of excuses is the trademark of the pedestrian slacker. Most novice slackers ultimately fall into the same pattern: sign up for a task, fail to perform the task, and then attempt to explain/justify the reason for failing. After a few repetitions of this cycle, they soon realize that they are exposed as slackers. They struggle to devise more believable excuses the next time. The cycle soon escalates to the point where the effort needed to contrive excuses can exceed that of the actual work.

   An Elegant Slacker never fails at anything, so there is no reason for excuses. There may be "new opportunities" that supercede the "old direction", or perhaps the current activities have reached their "full potential". The ultimate key to avoiding the use of excuses is, of course, to simply avoid accountability altogether. This is the hallmark of the true Elegant Slacker.

3. Greater purpose: The Elegant Slacker is far too important to be tasked with routine, everyday labor. Strategic thinkers and long-term visionaries cannot be distracted by everyday details. An elegant slacker is an "idea person," and great ideas take time to develop. Those around the Elegant Slacker, especially supervisors, naturally want to allow this time. They are enamored by the possibilities and want to see the great ideas come to fruition. The ultimate realization of the Elegant Slacker's potential is always just over the horizon.

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Elegant Slacker Weekly Time Killer
"Whiteboard Wanderings"

Each week ES presents the latest in time killing tactics, techniques and technologies.

This week we present the "Whiteboard Wanderings" time killer.

1. Completely erase your whiteboard or get a big sheet of paper
2. Begin slowly drawing boxes, lines, letters and numbers
3. Before each stroke, pause to consider how elegant you look
4. At intervals, sit and stare at the whiteboard
5. Continue staring
6. Shake head, nod, make "Ahhh" noises, etc to dispel any neighbors from thinking you are slacking, sleeping or comatose
7. Return to step 1 or 2 as needed

Total time killed: ??? minutes
Notes: Whiteboard Wanderings are a great way to make you appear to be solving some of the company's hardest problems. Be sure to include buzzwords from meeting you might have attended. Consider using different colors to draw attention to these concepts as the managerial passerby will not bother to read the whole thing, but their eyes will be drawn to the highlighted concepts. This technique is also very effective if your handwriting is small, illegible or both. Then no one will be able to question what you've been working on, but it will seem as if you were doing a lot of thinking!